i was fine as hell today
this str8 cis-dude i’m trying to get over was super not about it tho. he is inexplicably immune to all of my charms. i find it bewildering, odd, and disappointing in turns.
i know what you’re gonna say, okay, i need to leave them str8 dudes alone because they are not socialized to 1) appreciate black womyn, 2) appreciate womyn who adamantly oppose, and indeed create a lifestyle opposing, mainstream notions of womynhood and ‘femininity’ and all that rot, or 3) be honest about what they want/feel. i know.
but i also know that it’s just not possible that every single str8 dude out there is either repulsed or intimidated by me. it’s just not fucking possible.
(and not just because i’m fine as shit)
but because i’m certain there are some interesting grown men out there, challenging themselves and growing and shit. absolutely certain.
but this belief that i have, the belief that there are exceptions. it’s what leads me, every few months, to find a new fixation, so utterly convinced that this time, things will be different. this time, he will be different.
(spoiler alert: they never are)
anyway. i’m movin on. and takin a sabbatical from this shitty cycle of fixation and doomed attempts to impress followed by implied rejection that i’ve called my love life for the past 3 years. i literally cannot continue to play this game. something has to change, and i’m getting this weird feeling that that thing is me.
none of this, of course, is meant to negate the fact that i was hella fine today and probably will be tomorrow. them’s just facts. the rest is speculation.
i’m bowin out of the love game, y’alls. now in search of: a platonic life partner who is excited about building a queer family with me. i will bake for you. must love babies, puppies, and hyperactive sensitive sad stoner cancer types.
been thinkin about romantic/sexual love lately
been thinkin about how i’m most certainly not about to find the love i seek / dream of / kind of desperately hunger for late at night
and first thing in the morning
and sometimes just in the middle of the day, when things slow down for just a moment and i imagine there was someone who knew me, really knew me, and had my fucking back and thought i was beautiful and smart and wanted to start the gawdamn revolution with me
and also wanted to have copious amounts of sex (vanilla sex, up against the wall sex, hold me face down on the bed and just fuck me sex, me topping sex, no one topping sex, exhibitionist sex, group sex, roleplaying sex, webcam sex, the occasional sext while i’m at work, some sex i can’t even think of right now) with me.
been thinking about how i’m not about to find that ish with the oblivious cis hetero white boy i’ve somehow stumbled into crushing on (he’s a virgo! resistance was a little bit futile in the first place, probably. cancer’s curse).
been disappointed, bewildered, annoyed and over it in turns for the past couple months.
been wondering what it would take to go out and meet someone new with whom i could try to build something beautiful, something real, something i don’t have the words for but yearn for, deeply, in the middle of the night and early in the morning and whenever i have a chance to breathe really. whether fleeting or long term.
been wondering if i have the courage, the wherewithal, it would take to actually legitimately put myself out there. to open myself to the possibility of being hurt and being held in turns.
don’t have an answer. just been thinking. wondering. dreaming.
i don’t give a fuck about how you fuck: or, your hot ass mess is not my revolution
your poly is only politicaly relevant to me if…
- you center respect and love for women and femmes in how you do relationships.
- you understand and care about how your actions in relationships are directly connected to the well being of your communities. (y’all know that this shit breaks up friendships and communities all the time.)
- you are aware of and work to resist heterosexist and patriarchal notions of love that are grounded in ideas of capitalist property ownership, misogyny, and racism.
- you respect any and all of your partners.
- you do not pit your partners, hookups, or love interests against each other by being shady and shitty about communication — especially if you are masculine-identified and your partners, hookups, and love interests are women and femmes. *of course, when this happens, it’s “unintentional,” right? but when misogyny structures how we understand and do relationships in such concrete ways, you need to fucking fight as hard as you can to actually BE intentional. being unintentional in the way of, “oh it just happened,” or, “but i didn’t do anything wrong,” when what is naturalized is being careless about the relationships between women and femmes, then not having intentions or thoughts around all that is a problem.
- you understand the importance of (and work to center) the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs and boundaries of yourself and your partners.
- you understand how each of your relationships impacts all of the other ones. and you understand that the way you carry yourself in one relationship will show up in your other relationships.
- you do not dismiss your partners’ jealousies, insecurities, or negative feelings as just them being “jealous” or “too emotional” or “not really getting it.” you don’t blame or shame people for their emotions.
- you accept full accountability for your actions when you are hurtful, unintentional, or careless in your interactions with others.
- you do not dismiss others’ concerns about you being possibly disrespectful or misogynistic as them not being radical or sex-positive enough.
- you understand that having the space/freedom to love and fuck however you please does NOT mean that you are operating in a vacuum. you understand that everything you do has consequences - and act with care.
- you understand that poly is not about having the freedom to do whatever the fuck you want to. you understand that poly is about having the freedom to pursue your needs and desires openly without shame, and to hold yourself to being intentional and responsible. especially because those needs or desires are about OTHER PEOPLE and OTHER PEOPLE’S BODIES.
- you get that you are not entitled to the guarantee that everything you do/want will be okay with all your partners or your communities, esp when your actions will impact them and when people are always operating from different contexts, traumas, desires, needs. (aka, you don’t do disrespectful shit and expect your partners or friends not to respond just because you didn’t mean to hurt anybody.)
- you understand the importance of informed consent — meaning, if there are things that are going on that might even possibly make someone reconsider cuddling with you, having sex with you, or being intimate with you, then you need to be open about them.
- you don’t take consent for granted. ever.
- you know how to set, talk about, and respect boundaries.
- you don’t use your “poly” status to be emotionally neglectful and/or abusive to your partners.
- you don’t treat people like they are expendable, disposable, or otherwise meaningless, even if it’s a quick fuck or a fling.
- you communicate openly and honestly without withholding important information, especially when it’s hard.
the desire to love/fuck lots of people at the same time is not something inherently radical or meaningful. people have always wanted to love/fuck multiple people, whether or not that’s been in accountable ways. basically, if people are side-eying you about how you do poly/relationships it’s not always because they’re just colonized sex negative tools of the state or some shit lol.
(and thanks disorientd, seafoamknife, & lowendtheory for talking/thinking through a lot of this with me. all love. ♥)
just so you know,
i’m the type of womyn that will show up at a crush’s show in booty shorts, torn purple patterned tights, and combat boots. i’m the type of womyn that will proceed to give said crush (a hetero cis white dude, god what is my life?) a large, bright pink daisy after said show. and i’ll feel like a baller afterwards for being so damn bold and so damn loving in a world that makes me want to have my walls up at all times, that makes me doubt myself and occasionally even makes me feel ashamed of who and what i am sometimes.
yea player, das me
just taking a relaxing bath in a tiny tub in a tiny apartment and every time I shift positions I can hear Jessica softly say “shamuuuuuuuuuuuuu” from somewhere in the next room
i wanted Majestic and i to be in a lesbian movie, but we’re too fat for our tubs so I can’t wash their hair while they sit betwixt my legs worshiping my yoni :/
i can’t help but love my beautiful black womyn
each and every single one of you
when i wake up in the morning, i send love to all of you.
each and every single one of you.
for the loves you have.
for the loves you lost.
for the loves you’ve yet to experience.
for the loves you wish you never had.
i love you. still.
i love you.
each and every single one of you.
i am always here to love you.
each and every single one of you.
until we are no more.
yo, ancestryinprogress be sayin some real shit y’all. co-signed
21 TIPS TO RELEASE SELF-NEGLECT AND LOVE YOURSELF IN ACTION
1. Begin your day with love (not technology). Remind yourself of your worthiness before getting out of bed. Breathe in love and breathe out love. Enfold yourself in light. Saturate your being in love.
2. Take time to mediate and journal. Spend time focusing inward daily. Begin with 5 minutes of meditation and 5 minutes of journaling each morning. Gradually increase this time.
3. Talk yourself happy. Use affirmations to train your mind to become more positive. Put a wrist band on your right wrist. When you’re participating in self-abuse of any form, move the band to your left wrist.
4. Get emotionally honest. Let of go of numbing your feelings. Shopping, eating, and drinking are examples of avoiding discomfort, sadness, and pain. Mindfully breathe your way through your feelings and emotions.
5. Expand your interests. Try something new. Learn a language. Go places you’ve never been. Do things you haven’t done before. You have a right to an awesome life.
6. Enjoy life enhancing activities. Find exercise you like. Discover healthy foods that are good for you. Turn off technology for a day and spend time doing things that make you feel alive.
7. Become willing to surrender. Breathe, relax, and let go. You can never see the whole picture. You don’t know what anything is for. Stop fighting against yourself by thinking and desiring people and events in your life should be different. Your plan may be different from your soul’s intentions.
8. Work on personal and spiritual development. Be willing to surrender and grow. Life is a journey. We are here to learn and love on a deeper level. Take penguin steps and life becomes difficult. One step at a time is enough to proceed forward.
9. Own your potential. Love yourself enough to believe in the limitless opportunities available to you. Take action and create a beautiful life for yourself.
10. Be patient with yourself. Let go of urgency and fear. Relax and transform striving into thriving. Trust in yourself, do good work, and the Universe will reward you.
11. Live in appreciation. Train your mind to be grateful. Appreciate your talents, beauty, and brilliance. Love your imperfectly perfect self.
12. Be guided by your intuition. All answers come from within. Look for signs and pay attention to your gut feelings. You’ll hear two inner voices when you need to make a decision. The quiet voice is your higher self; the loud voice is your ego. Always go with the quieter voice.
13. Do what honors and respects you. Don’t participate in activities that bring you down. Don’t allow toxic people in your life. Love everyone, but be discerning on who you allow into your life.
14. Accept uncertainty. Suffering comes from living in the pain of the past or the fear of the future. Put your attention on the present moment and be at peace.
15. Forgive yourself. Learn from your mistakes and go forward. Use this affirmation, “I forgive myself for judging myself for __________ (fill in the blank i.e.: for getting sick, for acting out, for not doing your best.)
16. Discover the power of fun. Self-love requires time to relax, play, and create face-to-face interaction with others. Our fast-paced world creates a goal setting, competitive craziness that doesn’t leave room for play. Dr. Stuart Brow says, “The opposite of play isn’t work, it is depression.”
17. Be real. Speak up and speak out. Allow yourself to be seen, known, and heard. Get comfortable with intimacy (in-to-me-see).
18. Focus on the positive. Go to your heart and dwell on and praise yourself for what you get right in all areas.
19. Become aware of self neglect and rejection. Become conscious of your choices. Ask yourself several times throughout the day, “Does this choice honor me?”
20. Imagine what your life would look like if you believed in your worth. Dedicate your life to loving you. Make it your main event.
21. Seek professional help. Self-rejection and neglect is painful. You deserve to be happy. You have a right to be accepted and loved. If necessary, seek help from a support group, counselor, or coach. It’s the best investment you can make.
yo, some of this is damn good advice