been thinkin about romantic/sexual love lately
been thinkin about how i’m most certainly not about to find the love i seek / dream of / kind of desperately hunger for late at night
and first thing in the morning
and sometimes just in the middle of the day, when things slow down for just a moment and i imagine there was someone who knew me, really knew me, and had my fucking back and thought i was beautiful and smart and wanted to start the gawdamn revolution with me
and also wanted to have copious amounts of sex (vanilla sex, up against the wall sex, hold me face down on the bed and just fuck me sex, me topping sex, no one topping sex, exhibitionist sex, group sex, roleplaying sex, webcam sex, the occasional sext while i’m at work, some sex i can’t even think of right now) with me.
been thinking about how i’m not about to find that ish with the oblivious cis hetero white boy i’ve somehow stumbled into crushing on (he’s a virgo! resistance was a little bit futile in the first place, probably. cancer’s curse).
been disappointed, bewildered, annoyed and over it in turns for the past couple months.
been wondering what it would take to go out and meet someone new with whom i could try to build something beautiful, something real, something i don’t have the words for but yearn for, deeply, in the middle of the night and early in the morning and whenever i have a chance to breathe really. whether fleeting or long term.
been wondering if i have the courage, the wherewithal, it would take to actually legitimately put myself out there. to open myself to the possibility of being hurt and being held in turns.
don’t have an answer. just been thinking. wondering. dreaming.
been feeling kinda insecure lately. it’s prompted a lot of procrastination, a lot of weed smokin, and a sudden hermit phase.
during this two week hermit phase, i have:
- read 6 harry potter books
- angsted a lot about writing but wrote very little
- swung like a pendulum between loving this crush and hating feeling so crushed
- stared at my crush a lot
- talked about him to anyone who would listen
- fretted over whether or not to make another move when i have already made an ass of myself in front of him
- met 0 ladies
- socialized a lot with my coworkers
- missed y’all
- inexplicably, gained 10 new followers??
but i’m back, i think.
just so you know,
i’m the type of womyn that will show up at a crush’s show in booty shorts, torn purple patterned tights, and combat boots. i’m the type of womyn that will proceed to give said crush (a hetero cis white dude, god what is my life?) a large, bright pink daisy after said show. and i’ll feel like a baller afterwards for being so damn bold and so damn loving in a world that makes me want to have my walls up at all times, that makes me doubt myself and occasionally even makes me feel ashamed of who and what i am sometimes.
yea player, das me
not gonna happen. which is really too bad, because it coulda been gr8. ah well.